Okie(s) in Florida

This past weekend, when a colleague asked how I liked Florida, it went something like, “I like it. I like a lot. However, there are some stupid people down there. And the stupid ones — they aren’t just stupid. They’re a special kind of stupid.”

A few years ago, on a spring break run from Stillwater, Oklahoma to Orlando, Jeff and I had a blowout. It was somewhere south of Macon, Georgia. I decided to call 911 to get a blinking light-equipped car to park behind us, given traffic was heavy, rain was starting to pour down, and I didn’t want to turn into one of those videos you see on Fox.

Cop finally shows up. By then, the tire is changed and we’re repacking the car.

Deputy: “What ya’ll boys doin’?”

Me: “Well, we’re changing a tire.”

Deputy: “Well, I can SEE that.”

Me: “(Wondering why he asked the Captain Obvious question, then) Do you know a place where we can get a new tire in the morning?”

Deputy: “No.”

Me: “Come again?”

Deputy: “Boy…Tomorrow’s Sunday….And you in Georgiaaaaaa….”

Me: “Oh.”

The next morning Jeff and I found an open automotive center, despite it being Sunday, and we told the story to our mechanic, a 7-foot-tall look-a-like of that guy from The Green Mile (deep, intimidating baritone voice and all). He hit the nail on the head by saying, “There’s some stupid motherfuckers down here.”

So I guess there’s stupid people everywhere. Lord knows Oklahoma, home of the most widespread political corruption scam in history, has a few. OkScam, as it was known by federal authorities, was a kickback scheme that led to the conviction of about 2/3 of sitting county commissioners in the state and numerous contractors. I still believe Oklahoma’s county commissioners to be one of the most corrupt — and inept — political institutions in America, but the Legislature in Oklahoma is so overcome with paralysis when it comes to these overpaid and generally undereducated (but too politically powerful) glorified road-builders that it refuses to consider real reform.

That all being said, there’s a special kind of stupid here in Florida. And from now on, I will steal the homo sapiens Floridianus term in my tales of such stupidity.

My first tale involves drivers. You’d think in a place like Florida, the world’s biggest swamp, most would get the feel for driving in the rain. After all, in the summer it’s sort of like London — when it finishes raining, it rains some more.

But no. A few drops of rain and the interstate practically slows to a halt. People have their hazard lights on. The blue hairs are confused at the wet stuff, causing them to use the brake instead of gas. It’s mass hysteria.

And drivers here are crazy. It’s not the, “Oh, we’re in a massive metropolitan area-type of crazy drivers.” I’ve seen people drive the wrong way down a one-way street (usually involves someone of at least 70 years old). I’ve nearly been hit by people backing out at the grocery store that has to exceed the nationwide average of near-miss experiences by a single person, and traffic lights have no meaning to many.

You see? Homo sapiens Floridianus.

—ryan